Destined Desires Read online

  “But it's not what you want to be doing.”

  She flashed me a sharp grin.

  “What about you? Are you living your dream?” she asked. “Seeing the United States, odd jobs, the great American experience?”

  That was familiar. God, I had been ridiculous at eighteen, but a part of me still bridled at her tone.

  “You're not the only one who’s changed, Mara,” I retorted. “I bummed around the country for about two years. Crossed it half a dozen times, worked on a shrimping boat off the Gulf. Then my uncle called me up and told me he had some work for me. I'm in real estate now.”

  The way I said it, she would have been within her rights to guess that I worked for a landlord somewhere. When she laughed, I bristled, but when I felt her hand move over and touch mine on the wheel, something in me almost purred.

  “I thought about you,” she whispered, as if it were a confession. “And yes, you were on that damned bike of yours, roaring along the freeway, stopping in towns for a few weeks to get enough gas money to keep going. I can see you on the Gulf, too. I've been there a few times, where the water's so blue it takes your breath away and the sun rises out of it all red, looking like it’s on fire...Were you happy then?”

  “No,” I said bluntly. “It was fun. I had some wild times, but it wasn't right.”

  “And what you're doing now?”

  “Getting closer to right, maybe.”

  “I'm glad.”

  She sounded like she meant it, and I had to actually search for the anger I’d always kept right next to my need for her. God, the fact that she could disarm me in less than half an hour would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic. I stayed quiet the rest of the way to White Pines, and then I automatically drove her to her grandmother's house.

  “Having a family vacation at your grandma's?” I asked as we pulled up.

  “No, she's been dead for a few years,” Mara said bluntly. Even as calm and steady as her voice was, there was a hurt there that made me want to take her in my arms. “The property got through probate, and now my sisters and I need to figure out what we're doing with it.”

  She wasn't as calm about all of this as she wanted me to think she was, or that she wanted to be herself, but it wasn't my place to press her. Instead, I got out of the car and went around to open her door for her, and she smiled at me, ever the princess.

  “This is where I get off,” she said needlessly, but she didn't walk up the stairs toward the door. “Maybe we'll see—”

  I could lie and say that I couldn't help myself in that moment, that it was all the memories and need, and maybe just a small urge to rewrite the past. Tell the truth and shame the devil, though, it was only because I wanted her. In the dim porch light, with the snow whirling around us and getting caught in her dark hair, I wanted her—and so I pulled her to me and kissed her.

  She tasted as good as I remembered, all warm and sweet, and after a moment of frozen shock, she pressed herself against me. We were both bundled up against the cold, but I could feel the warmth of her rising to meet me. I couldn't stop myself from burying my hands in her hair, holding her still so I could explore her mouth, learning her all over again, showing her how badly I wanted her...

  Just as quickly as we had reached for each other, we pulled away again. We stared at each other, and I realized that I couldn't read her at all. We were adults now, not the crazy kids we had been before. There was an entire decade gaping between us, and despite what some part of me tried to insist, we didn't know each other anymore.

  I started to say something, some apology, something to explain away what we had done, but then the door at the top of the stairs opened, spilling a harsh light over us.

  “Oh my god, Mara? Are you all right? I've been calling you...”

  Shannon, my brain helpfully supplied. Standing in pajamas and a robe at the top of the stairs, she stared at us wide-eyed and confused. There were really no explanations for either of us to make, so I turned to Mara.

  “See you later,” I murmured.

  “Wait,” she blurted out, but I was already getting back in the car, heading back toward my hotel on the other side of town. I tried to tell myself that I was in White Pines to do work, not to mess around with my high-school sweetheart; but as I drove through the swirling snow listening to the wind whistle through my windows, I knew that it was only the barest thread of self-control that kept me driving ahead instead of turning around and finding that warmth that I had only ever shared with Mara Becker.

  Chapter Three

  Mara

  “Was that...?”

  “Cade Lowell, yes, it was,” I said brusquely. “Come on, we need to get inside before the cold gets both of us.”

  Shannon followed me inside with a frown, and when I stripped out of my winter gear, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. As I did so, I could smell something utterly amazing in the air, and I turned to Shannon with surprise.

  “Did you bake a pie?”

  “I did,” she said with a slight smile. “And there's some stew as well. I was hoping to eat with you, but there's plenty leftover. You can eat and tell me what the hell happened with Chloe. And with Cade as well, apparently.”

  I wasn't used to having to answer to people any more, I realized, following her to the kitchen. I worked independently in Atlanta, and I could go days without needing to go into the magazine's office. Even as I noticed it, however, I also noticed how nice it was having my sister sit across from me in our grandmother's old house, ladling out a bowl of stew and cutting off a hunk of thick bread before laying them down in front of me.

  “God, Shannon, did you bake bread too?”

  “I was on my own all day,” she said with a faint smile. “I had to do something, didn't I? Eat, and then talk.”

  We hadn't been at our best the past little while as we tried to figure out everything with the house. The food and her gentle bullying felt like something of a truce, and I was tired enough that I wanted to take it. The food was good enough that I couldn't even savor it, scarfing it down while putting off her expectant gaze.

  Talking about Chloe and Alex was easy. Shannon nodded and agreed that it seemed like they were good for each other, but I didn't miss the wistful look in her eyes. My sister has always been a bit of a romantic, but romance always seemed to pass her by. I could have told her it wasn't really that great anyway, but that conversation never seemed to go all that well.

  “So much for Chloe and Alex,” she mused. “Now tell me what's going on with you and Cade. Have you guys, I don't know, gotten together again after all this time?”

  I winced a little at her curiosity, because if I was honest, I didn't know what to make of it myself. Ever since Cade had picked me up, I felt as if everything in my head had been shaken up; thrown around as if in a hurricane. That shouldn't have surprised me, however. That was just Cade. He came in like a storm, and when he left, nothing was the same.

  He had done it to me once before, after all.

  Ten Years Ago

  “Hey Mara, it's Cade again!”

  Sammi, one of my classmates, drew out Cade's name like taffy, shrill and taunting, but underneath it, I could hear her envy clear as day. I shot her a dirty look and walked over to the window, refusing to let myself hurry.

  I was acting as cool as I could, but the truth was I couldn't stop my heart from skipping a beat. I had transferred to White Pines to finish out my senior year because my grandma needed some help after a fall. I knew why my parents sent me, but I had figured it would be a dull and lonely time, far away from my family and my friends.

  What I hadn't counted on was Cade Lowell, who had stopped me at Malarky's, paid for my burger and then insisted on eating with me. That was almost six weeks ago, and we'd been seeing each other every day since.

  He was on that motorcycle of his that made Grandma fret every time he came to pick me up, and he was completely at ease on it. That was maybe my favorite thing about Cade: how easy he was about everything
. He was dressed in black jeans, heavy boots, a black T-shirt and, of course, the omnipresent black motorcycle jacket. It was heavy enough to be armor, and that's how I always thought of it.

  "What do you want?" I asked with a mock scowl. "Did Carson decide you were too much trouble and fire you or something?"

  Cade grinned, unperturbed, open and easy.

  "Turns out his kid is getting married tomorrow in Madison so he closed up the garage for the day. I'm heading up to the quarry. Come with me."

  "You think I've got nothing better to do than to come with you?" I teased, and his grin turned a little more sly.

  "I might make it worth your while," he offered.

  I scoffed, but a pleasant warmth was already spreading in my belly, making me want to blush. I pretended to think about it for a minute, and then glanced over my shoulder where a half-dozen other students were fussing over layouts for the school yearbook. I was only there because I had some experience with graphic design, and I was already bored.

  "All right, I'll be right down."

  I got some glares as I walked out of the room, but it didn't matter. That bright spring afternoon, the only thing I cared about was Cade and getting as close to him as I could.

  Cade gave me a helmet and made sure I was clinging tight to him before he roared down the road. Every time I got on his bike with him, I felt a deep thrill of danger and pleasure twine together inside me. When I pressed my cheek to his shoulder, I smelled leather and sweat. I never felt more grown up than I did with Cade.

  The ride to the quarry was a short one, and soon enough, we had pulled over onto one of the small side roads that wormed their way all over the area. We left his bike in a sheltered spot and walked hand in hand up one of the narrow paths. He let me walk ahead of him, and I could feel his eyes on my rear and my hips. I knew that if I were at home, my parents would never let me go off alone with Cade. He was my age, and still attended high school for half the day, working the other half, but there was something more adult about him, more dangerous.

  Cade and I found a tree with plenty of soft grass underneath, and we curled up on the ground below, my head pillowed on his shoulder.

  "How are things at home?" I asked, and he shrugged.

  "Dad somehow missed his usual weekend bender, so he's making up for it now. I might just sleep at the garage if he gets too bad."

  I winced. Cade's father had a reputation in town, and it wasn't a pleasant one.

  "You could come over to my place," I suggested. "There's a spare bedroom."

  Cade laughed, shaking himself a little.

  "Bet your grandma would love that," he said. "Nah, the garage is good. Its got a TV, some books. No big deal. But I don't want to talk about that right now."

  "Oh?" I asked, amused. "What do you want to talk about?"

  As it turned out, he didn't want to talk at all, and as way lay curled up under the tree overlooking the quarry, he started to kiss me. We moved against each other, kissing and learning and exploring until all I could hear was our breathing, the slide of our clothed bodies rubbing against each other, our heartbeats thudding as loudly as drums.

  I wanted him more than I had wanted anything in my life, but when he started to unzip my jeans, I put my hand over his.

  "No," I said. "I don't want that..."

  Cade blew hair through his lips, pressing his forehead against my shoulder, and reluctantly nodded. He flopped over onto his back, one arm thrown over his eyes, and I appreciated the opportunity to recover myself.

  "Such a good girl," he teased when we had both caught our breath a little bit.

  Honestly, I didn't even know why I had stopped him. All I knew was that even if I wanted him something fierce, I didn't want him yet, and I was grateful that he seemed to understood.

  After a while, we curled up next to each other again, kissing a little, talking more. I listened with half an ear as he talked about getting on his bike to see the country, going from town to town, learning all the ways people were alike and all the ways they were different. I was more worried about my grandma and how frail she seemed with every passing day.

  When the sun started to inch toward the horizon, he took me back to town, dropping me off in front of my grandma's house.

  "I'm going to be working on a project for the next few days, but maybe I could see you on Friday?"

  "Sounds good," I said. "Sure you won't agree to scandalize the neighborhood and stay in our spare bedroom?"

  He laughed.

  "Nah. I'm good. See ya, princess."

  Friday night came, and I ignored the school chatter about the upcoming spring dance. It all felt very far away to me: all of the talk of who was going, who wasn't. Instead I went home, checked with my grandma to make sure she had taken all of her medications, and went to read on the porch for a while.

  Around dusk, just as I was getting ready to give up and go inside, I heard the thunder of Cade's motorcycle. I put my book down and rose up to meet him, a wide smile on my face. When he dismounted and wrapped his arms around me, I felt as light as a feather, like a bit of ash thrown up from a bonfire drifting back down to earth.

  "Hi," I said softly. "What do you want to do tonight?"

  He grinned at me.

  "Want to go to Chicago?"

  I blinked, laughing in half-disbelief.

  "What, you mean like...for the weekend? Cade, you know I can't leave my grandma..."

  "No, not for the weekend, maybe for like a week. There's a guy down there that needs all the hands he can get for some kind of production push, and then after that, I don't know. Maybe down to New Orleans. I've always wanted to see the Gulf. I think my mom's people were from there. Or Los Angeles. Why not?"

  I stared at him, because despite the sheer insanity that was spilling out of his mouth, there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to get on his bike with him. I had to push back from him because I was suddenly so tempted I couldn't stand it.

  "What the hell are you talking about, Cade?" I hissed. "Are you leaving? What about...what about school? What about graduation?"

  Cade's face hardened.

  "If I want a diploma, I'll get a GED, but I don't want one. I don't want to stay one more minute in this damn town. I've been spending the last few days getting things together, getting some cash, packing up, and now all I need is for you to come with me."

  The confusion that been bubbling up inside me swiftly turned to anger, and I glared at him.

  "You mean that you decided to do this just a few days ago, and now you expect me to drop everything and come with you?"

  The look he gave me was impatient. He reached for my hand, but I pulled away.

  "Come on, Mara, you know you're too good for this town. You know that you want to come with me."

  "I know that I'm graduating from this damn high school in a few months, and I know that I need to stay here and look after my grandmother," I snapped. "I thought you knew that, but apparently not."

  He looked a little guilty at the mention of my grandmother, but he refused to back down.

  "I want you with me," he said. "We would be awesome together on the road, you know that. I don't want to do this without you."

  "But you will," I said sadly, reading the decision in his eyes. "Because you've decided, haven't you? I either come with you now with absolutely no preparation, no regard for my responsibilities, and no safety net if everything goes wrong, or it's over."

  Cade looked stricken, but I refused to quit.

  "God, Cade. You can't do this to me. You can't just make a decision and insist that I fall in line like some kind of doll!"

  "That's not what I want," he growled. "You know that. I want us to get out of this damn town, and I want us to be ourselves. I want to be with you, and I don't want to be Daniel Lowell's son who's probably going to end up just like him if I don't get the hell out."

  "You can't ask me to do this," I repeated, and to my dismay, he took a step back. When I reached for his hand, he shook me
off.

  "Fine," Cade said. "You want a life that you can predict down to the millimeter? You want to go to a nice college and marry a nice man and live out in the suburbs wondering where the hell your life went, fine."

  He turned away, striding back toward his bike, and this time, I was the one who tried to hang on to his hand.

  "Cade...don't..."

  He glanced back at me, and his gray eyes were so angry that I fell back a pace. I suddenly remembered all of those people who had said that Cade Lowell had a temper, who had told me he could be violent and cruel, and for the first time I was afraid of him.

  "You told me what you want, princess," he spat. "And that's fine. If that's the way you want to live your life, fantastic. That's not what I want for myself."

  I was so stunned by his words that I was completely mute as he got on his motorcycle again. I watched as he gunned the bike down the street, and even though I knew most of the neighborhood was watching me, I stood on the drive and stared after him long after I was gone.

  "You never told us about any of that," Shannon said quietly, eyes wide.

  "Well, I stayed at Grandma's for most of that summer, and then I moved home for all of two weeks before I started college." I shrugged. "It didn't seem like there was much to say. I think maybe Grandma told Mom about it, but it wasn't something that Mom and I ever discussed."

  "I wish you hadn't been alone with that," Shannon said, and I sighed.

  "I've never been all that good at spilling my guts," I said. "I just wanted to...I don't know. Not forget it, but put it away maybe?"

  "And now Cade's back, and you're back..."

  "He seems so angry still," I mused. "I know he was pretty angry after he left, but shouldn't he have gotten over that? It was so long ago."

  "Who knows?" Shannon shrugged. "Just because he's back doesn't mean that you have to do anything about it. If he doesn't care for you, you don't have to care for him. You can leave each other be."